Week 5 B1G Power Rankings: One song title to describe each team’s current state

Back when I was a sports editor for our college newspaper, I developed this habit.

It wasn’t necessarily a bad habit (my bosses disagreed), but it was something that I thought added something unique.

I always wanted to used song titles in big headlines. Is that weird? Perhaps.

Is coming up with song titles for B1G Power Rankings to describe each team’s current state weird?

Probably, but I did it anyway:

14. Rutgers: “Wake Me Up When September Ends,” Green Day

For Rutgers, the more appropriate song title would be “Wake Me Up When November Ends.” Ok, that was mean, and not entirely true. Rutgers has a much better football team this year than it did last year, despite that 1-3 start.

The song is also appropriate because the Scarlet Knights figure to be a significantly better team in the second half — it’s still a new offense — than they’ve been so far. Plus, Rutgers fans might want to sleep through that Ohio State game on the final day of September.

13. Illinois: “We Are Young,” Fun ft. Janelle Monáe

Illinois got whipped at USF, yet all I kept hearing about was the fact that the team played a record number of true freshmen. So that’s supposed to cover up the fact that Illinois was smoked by yet another Group of 5 team? Yes, Illinois is incredibly young and it’s only the second year of the Lovie Smith era, but I’m sick of hearing about the inexperience excuses.

Go to the @IlliniStats account (run by the Illini athletic department), and it’s just loaded with tweets like this:

Most cumulative true freshmen starts in an Illinois season
34, 1977 (11 G)
33, 2006 (12 G)
27, 1980 (11 G)
26, 2008 (12 G)
20, 2017 (3 G)

— Illini Stats & Notes (@IlliniStats) September 19, 2017

Most true freshmen started in FBS
10 Illinois (5 off, 5 def)
6 LSU (2 off, 4 def)
6 Baylor (3 off, 3 def)
4 Ball State (1 off, 3 def)

— Illini Stats & Notes (@IlliniStats) September 18, 2017

Illinois started 10 true freshmen, the most in a game in program history. The previous record was 7, last week.

— Illini Stats & Notes (@IlliniStats) September 15, 2017

Cool. You’re young. Young teams should still look like it’s a real Power 5 program.

12. Nebraska: “Unconditionally,” Katy Perry

The fact that 90,000 people showed up to watch that football team play was about as unconditional as it gets. Nebraska’s sellout streak reached 357 games on Saturday.

It didn’t matter that it was Rutgers. It didn’t matter that Northern Illinois embarrassed the Huskers the week before. It didn’t matter that the athletic department was in complete shambles. It didn’t matter that Tanner Lee added to his pick-six total. Nebraska fans were there, and that, my friends, is true unconditional love.

11. Northwestern: “Need you now,” Lady Antebellum

So yeah, non-conference play was sort of awful for Northwestern. After getting some preseason B1G West sleeper hype, the Cats proceeded to nearly lose at home against Nevada, get demolished at Duke and win convincingly against a Bowling Green team that won’t be playing for a national title in 2017.

But that was non-conference play. It’s time for Northwestern’s 1-2 punch of Clayton Thorson and Justin Jackson to deliver against a Power 5 foe. Pat Fitzgerald needs his defense to play at the level we’ve grown accustomed to seeing. Now.

10. Michigan State: “It’s A Long Way To The Top,” ACDC

Michigan State got an unfriendly reminder on Saturday of just how far it has to go to become a top-25 team again. Because of their pre-Notre Dame competition (or lack thereof), we didn’t really know what MSU was. We saw that they still can’t get out of their own way (three first-half turnovers didn’t help) and they aren’t good enough to overcome careless mistakes.

The Spartans want to rock and roll at the top of the B1G again, but that type of performance in conference play won’t get them there anytime soon.

9. Maryland: “When It Rains It Pours,” Luke Combs

What’s the only thing worse than getting smacked by a Group of 5 team at home? Losing your promising true freshman quarterback to injury. That, of course, was after the Terps lost Tyrrell Pigrome to a season-ending injury in the opener. All of the sudden, that victory against Texas feels like a lifetime ago.

But hey, “When It Rains It Pours” actually has a feel-good ending. Maybe the same will be true for Maryland?

8. Indiana: “Stuck In The Middle With You,” Stealers Wheel

The Hoosiers rolled to a convincing win against Georgia Southern on Saturday, and Richard Lagow was banged up in the process. Some fans wouldn’t mind seeing Peyton Ramsey get an opportunity to run with the job, while others want Lagow to retain his starting job if he’s healthy.

Either way, Indiana appears destined for 6-7 wins. The Hoosiers are stuck in the middle of a quarterback controversy, and for the foreseeable future, they’ll be stuck in the middle of these rankings.

7. Minnesota: “What About Us,” Pink

Here are all of the undefeated teams in the B1G:

• Wisconsin
• Michigan
• Penn State

Oh, wait. I forgot Minnesota. The Gophers are 3-0 coming off two blowout wins and a bye week, yet few people are in any rush to put them in the top-25 conversation yet (they got three votes in the latest Associated Press poll). Minnesota starts B1G play vs. Maryland, which is followed by a game at Purdue and home games against MSU and Illinois. There’s a very realistic chance the Gophers could start 6-1 and find themselves on the outside of the top 25 looking in. What about Minnesota?

6. Purdue: “Started From The Bottom,” Drake

Now we here. At No. 6.

I imagine this was what Purdue fans were doing all Saturday morning when College GameDay talked extensively about how improved the Boilermakers were with Jeff Brohm:

Purdue did indeed start from the bottom, and even in a losing effort against Michigan, the Boilermakers showed that they were going to make some noise in the B1G. With 10 minutes left against the No. 8 team in the country, Purdue was within four points and it wasn’t really surprising. That says a lot about the direction this program is heading in.

5. Iowa: “So Close,” Hall and Oates

So close Iowa was to knocking off yet another top-5 team at home and immediately inserting itself into the top 25. More importantly, the Hawkeyes would’ve been 1-0 in B1G play with their toughest game out of the way. Iowa was inches away from pulling off the upset and looking like another one of those years.

Now, Iowa has to regroup and get some 2015 B1G Championship redemption at Michigan State. Any hangover and the Hawkeyes could be looking at a frustrating 0-2 start to B1G play.

4. Ohio State: “That’s What I Like,” Bruno Mars

Nearly 21 minutes into Saturday’s game against UNLV, Ohio State was up 37-0. That was the type of feel-good game the Buckeyes were hoping to see out of their offense, which recorded seven touchdown passes. On top of that, the OSU defense that was dead last in FBS in passing yards per game allowed after two weeks was much better on Saturday, albeit against lesser competition.

OSU fans knew this three-game stretch (Army, UNLV, Rutgers) was going to be a chance to get right. What they would really like to see is that same kind of firepower when that Penn State showdown rolls around.

But let’s be honest. “That’s What I Like” is just what Buckeye fans say whenever J.K. Dobbins touches the ball.

3. Wisconsin: “Business,” Eminem

Let’s get down to business, I don’t got no time to play around, what is this, must be a circus in town, let’s shut the s— down on these clowns, can I get a witness, {hell yeah},

Underrated song, by the way. The Badgers are ready to get down to business and prove to the skeptics that they’re legitimate College Football Playoff contenders. Utah State turned out to be a bloodbath, Florida Atlantic was boring and BYU was hardly a Power 5 test. It was the exact opposite feeling from last year when the Badgers had to get down to business in the season opener against LSU.

Coming off the bye week, you know Wisconsin wants nothing more than to beat up on some B1G competition and make a push for another trip to Indianapolis.

2. Michigan: “Tempted By The Fruit Of Another,” Squeeze

Isn’t that always the case in Ann Arbor? First, it was Brandon Peters. Now, it’s John O’Korn. Again. After O’Korn relieved an injured Wilton Speight, the Wolverines’ offense came alive. For those of us who were married to the idea of Speight as Michigan’s starter (if healthy), the idea of O’Korn taking over seemed a lot more attractive after Saturday.

Jim Harbaugh said that Speight wouldn’t be able to play this Saturday if Michigan had a game. History doesn’t suggest Harbaugh will be tempted to bench a healthy Speight, but who knows what goes on inside his brain.

1. Penn State: “Money In The Bank,” Lil’ Scrappy ft. Young Buck

If I’m betting on any player in college football to shine under the bright lights, it’s Saquon Barkley. If I’m betting on any offensive coordinator to dial up the perfect call, it’s Joe Moorhead. If I’m betting on one quarterback to come up clutch in winning time, it’s Trace McSorley.

Money. In. The. Bank.

For all the talk about the Lions offense, the defense looks like money in the bank, too. Does anybody realize that Penn State has the No. 2 scoring defense in the country right now? Coupled with their offensive firepower, the Lions look like the B1G’s safest bet.

Now is their time to cash in on a golden opportunity.