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Hickey: The perfect Christmas stocking stuffer for every Big Ten coach
By Alex Hickey
Published:
Big Ten football coaches aren’t left wanting when it comes to affording a comfortable Christmas. But even in an NIL world, sometimes you can’t buy everything you need.
There are still some things only Santa Claus can provide.
Here’s what every B1G coach could use in his stocking on Christmas morning.
Bret Bielema, Illinois: Tommy DeVito’s waiver
Illinois is seeking an NCAA waiver for quarterback Tommy DeVito to receive a 6th year of eligibility. DeVito played only 4 games in 2020 before a season-ending injury. And given that players are allowed to play in up to 4 games while maintaining a redshirt season, there are reasonable grounds to win this case.
DeVito, who led the Big Ten in completion percentage, is the ideal Bielema quarterback. Getting another year out of him makes for the perfect gift.
Tom Allen, Indiana: A quarterback
Three Indiana quarterbacks are in the transfer portal, and the only guy left is a running quarterback who suffered a catastrophic knee injury in the season finale. Tom Allen is having the worst Christmas since John McClane was stuck in Nakatomi Tower.
The Hoosiers need transfer portal help at just about every position, but it starts at quarterback.
Kirk Ferentz, Iowa: A working offense
Most Iowa fans would prefer a new offensive coordinator in Kirk’s stocking, but Christmas is an awkward time to fire your son.
Thus, they’ll have to settle on Ferentz finding some magical elixir that helps the Hawkeyes move the ball downfield and occasionally cross the goal line. Perhaps Michigan transfer quarterback Cade McNamara and tight end Erick All will bear this gift.
Mike Locksley, Maryland: The elusive next step
Locks has guided the Terrapins to their first back-to-back winning seasons since 2013-14. That’s a good first step. Now it’s time for the program to find the next one: breaking into the Top 25.
Maryland has spent exactly 1 week in the rankings since joining the Big Ten. The Terps upset No. 21 Syracuse in Week 2 of 2019 to earn a ranking, then lost to Temple the following week. Maryland hasn’t finished a season in the Top 25 since 2010, which is when Ralph Friedgen was unceremoniously dismissed.
Santa bears some resemblance to Friedgen, so maybe he’s been holding a family grudge. Maybe this is the year he lets go.
Jim Harbaugh, Michigan: A Playoff win
Harbaugh is finding all the help he needs for next year in the transfer portal, so let’s stick with the present for his present: a Playoff win over TCU.
The national championship, however, will need to be earned. Santa doesn’t just hand those out.
Mel Tucker, Michigan State: Kenneth Walker IV
Michigan State pretty clearly needs the next version of Kenneth Walker III to walk through the door, though much sooner than when there will actually be a Kenneth Walker IV.
The Spartans ranked 112th nationally in rushing and 93rd in scoring this season after losing 2021’s top college running back to the NFL.
PJ Fleck, Minnesota: Floyd of Rosedale
It’s unlikely that there is a stocking big enough to hold a 98-pound bronze pig.
However, Santa could at least leave some sort of cheat sheet or how-to guide on how to acquire said trophy. Fleck is 0-6 against Iowa, and clearly needs help preparing for the 2023 edition of the game.
Matt Rhule, Nebraska: Linemen
It’s unlikely that there is a stocking big enough to hold 300-pound humans.
And though Matt Rhule hit both sides of the trenches pretty hard in his first Nebraska signing class, there’s no doubt he would welcome a few more who are ready to play right away by the start of next season. Nebraska’s rebuild must begin on the interior.
Ryan Day, Ohio State: A rematch
Day’s been getting dunked on with regularity following his second straight loss to Michigan. A chance to avenge those losses in a national championship game would be the best form of revenge ever concocted.
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And since no one has figured out how to beat Georgia this season, a little help from Santa in the CFP semifinal wouldn’t hurt.
James Franklin, Penn State: A portal receiver
With Parker Washington and Mitchell Tinsley headed to the NFL Draft, the Nittany Lions could use an experienced wide receiver next season.
Ryan Walters, Purdue: A quarterback
Both Indiana schools are in the market for a quarterback transfer. And both coaches face a different kind of pressure.
Tom Allen needs a QB to keep the heat off his seat. And Ryan Walters needs one to get his Purdue tenure started on the right foot. Strong quarterback play is a tradition for the Boilers, and the locals will get riled up if Walters doesn’t find production from the position.
Greg Schiano, Rutgers: An offensive coordinator
Greg Schiano fired offensive coordinator Sean Gleeson on Oct. 9 and has yet to name a permanent replacement. Sounds like he’s waiting for a special delivery from the North Pole.
The Scarlet Knights need it. Iowa’s offense looked like the air raid compared to Rutgers. The Hawkeyes averaged 18.7 points per game in Big Ten games compared to Rutgers’ 11.7 ppg. The Scarlet Knights averaged a meager 4.1 yards per play and 253 yards per game in conference play — both easily the worst in the B1G.
Luke Fickell, Wisconsin: Culver’s gift cards and cornerbacks
Fickell needs to make at least a dozen trips to Culver’s before he can file for Wisconsin residency, so it’s best that someone hook him up with a head start.
The Badgers could also use some cornerbacks. Wisconsin is losing 3 seniors at the position, and junior Semar Melvin transferred to Michigan State. Something tells me Santa will likely reward a coach who can tell recruits “I found and developed Sauce Gardner.”
Alex Hickey is an award-winning writer who has watched Big Ten sports since it was a numerically accurate description of league membership. Alex has covered college football and basketball since 2008, with stops on the McNeese State, LSU and West Virginia beats before being hired as Saturday Tradition's Big Ten columnist in 2021. He is an Illinois native and 2004 Indiana University graduate.