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Do not think that any random door darkenings are wayward trick-or-treaters lost in the fog of daylight savings time. Scott Frost and Nebraska athletic director Bill Moos are going door to door to drum up clandestine games for the Huskers. I’d rather not investigate who threw all that expired Bit-O-Honey in each of their bags, though I always aspired to find work as a fictional detective when I hit middle age.
Rolled sleeves and a wayward necktie is me at my most professionally relaxed and maximally competent. I never entertained the role of doctor. Clipboards seem an unnecessary accessory. All future records are predicted on the condition the games will be played.
Illinois 2-6
It’s the hiccup with Illinois regardless of quarterback. Could be Brandon Peters, could be Coran Taylor. Drives with a reputable amount of yards accrued end in a turnover or a penalty that takes them out of field goal range. Touchdowns are not guaranteed with the Fighting Illini until the broadcast returns from commercial and the kickoff team is vertically splayed across my television screen.
Indiana 5-3
There is a legitimate, honest to God chance Indiana is the second best team in the Big Ten East behind Ohio State and no worse than third in conference after Wisconsin. However, in an effort to foil Branch Rickey and take excessive liberties with his quote, I will much rather crown a team a week late than a week early.
Iowa 4-4
We hope you much enjoyed the second rendition of “The Hawkeyes Out Hawkeye’d.” In this iteration, Iowa outgained Northwestern and drew even on the turnover battle, only to lose by one point. Iowa maintains firm footing as least watchable team in conference. Not the worst, as a 4-4 record should indicate, but failures and eventual success for the team have and will continue to come in the least spectacular fashion.
Maryland 1-7
Taulia Tagovailoa’s skill set flashes in spite of drops from his wide receivers and Mike Locksley’s complete and total disregard for the clock, an abuse so apparent and brazen he is not allowed within 100 feet of any Swatch store.
Michigan 5-3
The combination of Michigan’s cornerback play and Joe Milton’s inability to understand what a touch pass is brought us here. All of my football sensibility hates what I’m about to say, but Don Brown needs to mix in the smallest dose of zone coverage to confuse offenses.
Michigan State 2-6
Credit Michigan State for the cleanliness in how it operated in the win against Michigan. Seven turnovers in Week 1 to zero turnovers in Week 2 is the sort of behavioral stride made by someone ready to free themselves from an ankle monitor one week after release from the joint.
Minnesota 3-5
So Minnesota wants to be a run-oriented offense with a first-round pick at wide receiver and quarterback who threw for over 3,000 yards last season? I too attend Billy Joel concerts in hopes he performs “Old Town Road (Remix).”
Nebraska 2-5
Games against the Kiwanis Club of Beatrice, Nebraska, not counted toward the official record for the season.
Northwestern 7-1
A tingling sensation took over my entire body after I committed that number to public record. I’m sure I could consult someone from Northwestern on the sensation for the price of three mortgage payments, but there’s a steadiness to Northwestern that permeated the first two games of the season.
Ohio State 8-0
The level of quarterback play from Justin Fields borders on masterful. Throw in the emergence of a running game in Week 2 and Ohio State continues to distance itself from the rest of the conference.
Penn State 6-2
It’s hard to feel better about a winless team but Penn State’s schedule gives the Nittany Lions a chance to run the table for the rest of the season. Let’s enjoy Jahan Dotson and his emergence as a national playmaker in the loss to Ohio State.
Purdue 3-5
There’s a level of unawareness from Jeff Brohm that’s cute in efforts to hit the Over, but irritating when trying to protect a lead. Brohm’s willingness to throw the ball regardless of down, distance and game situation, as shown at the end of the Illinois game, prime the Boilermakers for a sizable upset but create angina in the immediacy.
Rutgers 2-6
I contest there is no Football God. Take me to the Grove, show me the Hail Flutie, rerun the Fridge’s verse in “The Super Bowl Shuffle” ad nauseam, and I will defy its existence because that spectacular series of laterals, the Knights of a Thousand Laterals (Holy marketing! Now imagine it on one of Tony Soprano’s bowling casual numbers.) was called back.
Wisconsin 6-1
After Paul Chryst sat through any number of tutorials about mask usage and its ineffectiveness when the mask is worn over just the mouth, he surely doodled enough run plays and blocking schemes to effectively get back to Wisconsin football after a one-week dalliance with offensive modernity.
Nick is a writer for saturdaytradition.com. Your overuse of GIFs forced him away from Twitter. He removed himself from consideration in the Vanderbilt heading coaching search.