Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Can someone please pull the emergency brake? I swear the college football season kicked off just a few days ago and, somehow, we’re already entering Week 6? That cannot be right. I choose not to believe it.

Hopefully that comment didn’t make any of you sad. In an attempt to salvage this story, look at glass half-full: there’s still two months of college football left! Woohoo!

If you want to close the tab after I inserted the term “Woohoo” like Homer Simpson, I get it. Just please check back next time, if you don’t mind.

A lot of happenings — good and bad — across the B1G in Week 5. Let’s jump into some overreactions, shall we?

Unlucky No. 13

I have no idea if Jeff Brohm is superstitious but he might be feeling at least a littlestitious  after Saturday’s loss to Minnesota. For a third straight game, Purdue’s offense scored just 13 points. As we all know, 13 is the unluckiest of unlucky numbers.

As unlucky as No. 13 is, you know what compounds the problem? Constantly changing quarterbacks, poor play-calling and a complete inability to play in inclement weather.

Seriously, this cheerleader’s belly-flop essentially sums up the Boilermaker offense for the past three weeks:

The biggest difference? She’s being celebrated for flop. Brohm and the guys playing an actual football game? Not so much.

Putting the “Mad” in Madison & “Bad” in Badgers

Wisconsin ruined Barry Alvarez Day. Now we must wait and see what punishment The Godfather himself hands down after a lethargic 1-3 start, which includes a pair of blowout losses to Notre Dame and Michigan.

Paul Chryst isn’t hiding from the responsibility after a less-than-impressive first month of the season. After Saturday’s 38-17 loss, the Badgers leader said he’s “got not problem with people who want to bitch” about him. He acknowledged it’s his job to right the ship.

That’s a pretty telling comment from a head coach that, quite frankly, doesn’t make a lot of noteworthy comments. If Chryst doesn’t get things figured out, “Madtown” will live up to its name.

Right now, the “Bad”gers aren’t playing to their standards.

Would you like to walk back your Penn State-ment, Mr. McElory?

Remember a few weeks when Greg McElroy said Penn State would finish fourth in the SEC West? I do. It sounds even worse now than when it slipped off his tongue after the Nittany Lions beat Auburn in Happy Valley.

Let’s take a look at that “might SEC West” from the weekend:

I would like to know what teams from the SEC West are finishing ahead of Penn State, aside from Alabama? Penn State already beat Auburn. We’ve already learned that LSU and Texas A&M were probably overrated. Mississippi State ain’t it.

Call me crazy, but after the performances we saw from Arkansas and Ole Miss, I don’t think Penn State would fall to either of those teams, either.

So, yeah. Not finishing fourth in the SEC West. Just like I said a few weeks ago.

Problem-free Phil-osophy

Does Iowa’s defense sing “Hakuna Matata” around the locker room? Because the way it’s playing right now, there seriously are no worries. It’s their problem-free Phil(Parker)-osophy.

Iowa’s defense has held opponents to under 25 points for 27 straight games. C.J. Stroud has thrown 13 touchdown passes. Taulia Tagovailoa has thrown 12 touchdown passes. Iowa’s defense has 12 interceptions. The Hawkeyes are on an 11-game winning streak.

Nobody in the B1G is playing better defensively than Iowa right now.

But what will happen when the Hawkeyes welcome the Nittany Lion(King)s into Kinnick Stadium next weekend? It’s going to be a major test on both sides of the ball.

Also — did you see what I did there?

No beer in heaven?!

While we’re talking Lions-Hawks, how about Sean Clifford’s reference to Iowa’s Victory Polka, In Heaven There is No Beer?

OK, maybe that wasn’t exactly what the Penn State quarterback was referencing after a 24-0 win over Indiana Saturday night. But he did make an interesting comment following the contest.

Rather than go out for a beer during the week, Clifford said he’d much rather watch tape or be at the practice facility throwing. Why? Football is “heaven” to him.

Reading between the lines, Clifford clearly doesn’t believe there is beer in heaven. As a consumer of a barley pop every now and again, this is disappointing news.

But, hey, at least there’s beer in Kinnick Stadium!

Scott Frost…the perfectionist

I am a wearer of glasses, so my vision isn’t the best, but I couldn’t tell if Scott Frost was the one giving a halftime interview at Memorial Stadium on Saturday night or if Nick Saban caught a flight to Lincoln.

Leading 35-7 after two quarters, Frost was pleased with his teams performance, then nit-picked some of the little things that Nebraska continued to struggle with after 30 minutes.

Folks across Huskerland loved every second:

Was Frost’s halftime criticism an overreaction? It could probably be labeled that way considering the 56-7 final score against Northwestern. I thought this was actually a promising sign from the head coach, though.

Frost isn’t just talking about the little things when things are going wrong. He wants it cleaned up even in a lopsided performance. A sign of good coaching.

Michigan vs. Ohio for best football state?

Michigan and Michigan State are a combined 10-0. Ohio State and Cincinnati are 8-1. All four teams are playing at an incredibly high level with some signature wins on the resumé.

So, which state is the best in college football right now? I don’t have an answer. We might have to wait until the end of the season to get the final determination.

You could make the argument that all four teams are firmly in the College Football Playoff picture. Forget one conference getting two teams in the field, can one state get multiple squads?!

Spoiler: No. It’s fun to think about, though.

Yes, absolutely we will talk UConn-Vandy

I’m not going to lie to you, the game featuring the two worst teams in college football might’ve been the most entertaining of the weekend. I feel sorry for all of those who weren’t dialed into ESPN U for this clash of the titans.

We even saw a Vanderbilt flag guy run across the end zone during a field goal attempt! Just incredible, must-watch television from start to finish.

UConn scored a touchdown to take a lead with just over a minute to play in the game. Vanderbilt drove down the field and converted on a 31-yard field goal to win a 30-28 contest.

Everything you could want in a football game was seen in Nashville on Saturday night. And, no, we don’t care what you think, Greg.

https://twitter.com/GregMcLNK/status/1444452667313512448?s=20

On a totally unrelated note, there’s absolutely no chance either of these teams wins another football game this season.

Committing to the grind

Urban Mey…actually, never mind.

Bonus! Someone please explain ESPN’s FPI

Has anyone ever attempted to figure out ESPN’s Football Power Index? And if so, could they please explain it to me like I’m a 5-year-old? That’s not even an exaggeration.

This formula has 2-loss teams Florida, Clemson and Iowa State ahead of Penn State and Iowa. Ohio State is No. 3 and Oregon is No. 15. Remember when the Ducks beat the Bucks head-to-head?

NEBRASKA IS NO. 21 AT 3-3.

Dr. Peter Venkman summed it up best when talking about ESPN’s FPI in Ghostbusters: “Cats and dogs living together, mass hysteria!”

https://twitter.com/SchutteCFB/status/1444663005808140288?s=20