Thanksgiving, 2019. Jim Delany’s House


Jim Delany: I’d like to thank all of you for being here, well most of you.

Indiana: Where’s Maryland?

Purdue: Calling out those less fortunate than us really is your new schtick?

Wisconsin: Nice of you to show up Purdue. Thought that you’d claim a sprain or cramp and miss it.

Iowa: Yeah, thought you’d claim a sprain or cramp and not show up. 

Delany: We need to take time to give thanks for all the blessings visited upon us. There are a few of you specifically who deserve special recognition. 

Michigan: (Stands up, interrupts Delany): It’s always been in our family lineage to carry…

Delany: (Cuts off Michigan) Not now, but I am glad to see you finally traded in your stick shift, not sure I would have went with a Lincoln, but that’s just me. Anyways, like I said, before we get started, I would like to acknowledge a few individuals for their contributions to our community. 

Minnesota: From greatness comes grace. Or FGCG. Ski-U-Mah!

Delany: That’s not, no, that’s not right. I thought we limited everyone to only three Pepsi’s before dinner. Anyways, extended gratitude to someone who in the past six years showed each of us the sort of hospitality that few, if any of you ever exhibited. (Gestures to Rutgers).

Rutgers: (Exhausted, unable to stand) You have all been more than generous to me and mine. Financially, we cannot thank you enough. We do though, when you all have a chance, if we can find the time, but it’s totally your call when it works best for you, need to discuss your conduct when you come over. 

Michigan State: (spills green bean casserole on its pants).

Delany: You ruined the nice neon this time? It hasn’t even been a few months. 

Penn State: Serves you right after you interrupted our meal for three hours last time we were at your place and we didn’t even get to take a doggie bag home after everything we brought.

Northwestern: Knock-off jello and generic French Onion Dip are no items anyone should be proud of. Still unable to afford top-tier delicacies?

Penn State: Still letting Illinois live in your basement while you’re out of town in the middle of December?

Illinois: I detest that comment. I have plans this year, thank you. I plan to be out of the basement by this time in 2020, I’ll have you know. Can’t deal with Northwestern’s self-imposed high standards of living. 

Nebraska: I keep telling my crew we’ll be living that sort of life in a few years. Just got a bad batch of characters around now. 

Ohio State: You and Michigan flip a coin to see who called a taxi for you two on the rotary? 

Delany: Now that’s enough. We’re here to celebrate each other. People have traveled from near and far to be here.

Michigan: I see Notre Dame turned down this dinner invite for the forty-fifth consecutive year. 

Delany: We don’t need them to have our own version of fun. Please, I’d like to get on with the particulars so that we can eat the beautiful turkey Ohio State prepared. And, ahem, ahem, I see we didn’t skip any major steps in the directions this year like we’ve done that last few years. Am I right, or am I right? 

Penn State: I made the sides. 

Michigan: Always a side dish never an entree.

Michigan State: (Spills cranberry sauce on its own lap and the table, avoids other individuals.)

Wisconsin: That work ethic stems from all that clumsiness I take it. 

Iowa: Yeah, your work ethic is because you’re clumsy. 

Purdue: If my tennis elbow wasn’t acting up I’d give you both a piece of my mind. 

Delany: (Ignoring Penn State) Michigan, you keep promising dessert. Where is it? It’s been what, five years and we’ve yet to taste it? 

Michigan: Just wait for it, you’ll see I handled the potatoes for two years running now. I blame the faulty appliances in my kitchen. 

Nebraska: I’m telling you guys, next year I got the turkey all taken care of. 

Wisconsin: Maybe wear two of the same colored socks and zip your fly before you offer to bring the turkey. Small steps, you know. 

Iowa: Yeah, you know, small steps. 

Minnesota: Small steps come from pests. Be a pest!

Delany: More than any time since we’ve known each other Minnesota, you’re practicing what you preach. 

Ohio State: Jim, we really have to spend time with him in Indianapolis?

Rutgers: I should probably get going. 

Indiana: Some sort of record. You hung with us for more than 15 minutes. 

Michigan State: (Mistakes tablecloth for tissue.)

Delany: (To Ohio State)Being able to hang out with you in January makes November with all of them tolerable.