When Ohio State iced the game (and the number) against Michigan State last week, guaranteeing me a winning week for the first time since Post Malone was a directive from Jerry Sloan and not an international celebrity, I may or may not have run around my house looking for someone to hug. The Jim Valvano impression ended when I settled for the turkey pillow on my couch which gave me the same quizzical look it does every time I sing along to the “Mad About You” theme song.

The celebration continued, though it was tempered when Iowa failed to beat, let alone cover against Northwestern. Not a bad beat so much as a bad decision to take the Hawkeyes and the points. We are on the cusp of a major turnaround, much like the job Scott Frost navigates in Lincoln, though my admirers are not red-clad but red-faced. To the Lipitor!

(All lines taken from mybookie.ag)

Author’s note: Lines may have shifted from when I pulled the number for the column. Lighten up gang.

Penn State -28 vs. Rutgers o/u 49.5

The play: Penn State

Illogical reasoning: James Franklin would never ever simulate to the end of a game in Madden if he jumped out to a 35-0 lead. The Penn State head coach loves to twist the knife and run up the score if given the opportunity. Penn State’s roster from last year made blowouts more feasible, but the 23.8 point margin of victory in all seven wins speaks to a likelihood to run it up. Most of the damage came in the wins versus Pitt and Kent State, the latter most resembling the outfit in Piscataway right now.

To Rutgers’ credit, the program kept it close in a majority of their conference games, save for the games against Michigan and Ohio State, but Penn State needs a little rejuvenation on what’s been an underwhelming season. Take the Lions and the points and hope Rutgers does not score a touchdown on defense or special teams to endanger the spread.

Michigan State +2.5 vs. Nebraska o/u 49

The play: Nebraska

Illogical reasoning: The 2018 Michigan State Football Experience provides enough dull moments to fill 30 minutes of prime-time CBS programming. What explosiveness the Spartans lack in the run game they also lack in the passing attack.

Nebraska continues its slow uptick in regards to level of play. It’s not impossible to see the Huskers close the year out with two wins and ride a big fat red wave of optimism into next season with a B1G West title in the crosshairs. Let’s shelf the kiddie table aspect of the division for another day.

Look for Nebraska to score a few late touchdowns to salt away the game amid Michigan State’s efforts to ugly it up and attempt to engage in a 13-10 battle that attacks the offensive football sensibilities of the viewing public.

Ohio State -14 vs. Maryland o/u 58.5

The play: Ohio State

Illogical reasoning: Ohio State needed a defensive touchdown and a safety to stimulate the cover in East Lansing last week. The Buckeyes’ offense did little to impress and the futile efforts of a ground game grow more and more miserable each week. What hope is there? Well here’s hope. (Great callback, Nick!)

Maryland’s Board of Regents, a group on level competence to the Muppets without the commercial appeal, bungled the entire season. It’s time for the Terps to play out the stretch and try to convince someone to take the reigns of a program masquerading as a tire fire in a combustible dumpster. Ohio State rolls to build up enthusiasm for the big game against Michigan next week.

Overall record: 13-18-2

Main event status: Now that the state-sanctioned athletic boards are satiated, time to capitalize on the smallest bit of momentum headed in the right direction. Frenchy Martin better watch out. First managers, then wrestlers, one Russian Leg Sweep at a time.