LeBron James stays off of social media for the duration of the NBA playoffs. His abstention, known as “Zero Dark Thirty-23” (only because “Hurt Locker-23” has too much of self-harm vibe to it), allows him to focus on basketball.

We’re ankle-deep in the middle of the gambling equivalent, “Obscured Vision 9-12.” I could never imagine my life without constant exposure to guiding lights, like him or him, so I maintain access to social media, but spend the better part of the day with a black handkerchief atop my head, partially obscuring my vision as I walk from room to room and avoid table corners.

The result, along with a few bruises and a slight limp, provided me with the cutting knowledge and insight to get a spectacular read on three separate plays for the weekend.

(All lines taken from mybookie.ag)

Author’s note: Lines may have shifted from when I pulled the number for the column. Lighten up gang.

Michigan vs. Michigan State +7 o/u 40.5

The play: Under

Illogical reasoning: A part of my fervor dies each time I play the Under, but the amount of ugly in the game is sizable enough that both athletic departments should split the bill and make grief counselors available outside of Spartan Stadium. Expect a close game and fatigue from overuse of the term “rock fight” to describe what you are about to endure.

Both teams are in the top 20 (Michigan State 6, Michigan 13) for time of possession. Any sort of exoticness displayed by quarterback Shea Patterson that extends beyond him holding the ball with the carelessness of a toddler will be on display for another week. Hope you enjoy the symmetry of line play and lead blocks.

Michigan head coach Jim Harbaugh trusts his defense and has the confidence that they’ll be able to ugly it up on the road. There’s a good chance there’s more points scored by the defense and special teams of both teams than the offense. Michigan State, in the spirit of all great instigators, gets teams to come down to their level and ugly it up in a game that very well could be a field goal fest.

Ohio State vs. Purdue +13 o/u 69

The play: Over

Illogical Reasoning: The battle of two top-10 offenses will create an entertaining matchup for an Ohio State team who underwhelmed this investor the last two weeks. Purdue comes in better against the run than the pass, but the slight strength doesn’t mean much when the team defense is 78th best in the nation. Ohio State needs to get their run game going for games down the road against Michigan State and Michigan, but Purdue’s ability to score fast might force the Ohio State offense to rely on quarterback Dwayne Haskins for some quick scores through the air.

Record be damned, Purdue is the most entertaining offense to watch in the B1G thanks to wide receiver Rondale Moore and the gimmicky genius of Purdue head coach Jeff Brohm. A trick play will gain at least 40 yards for the Boilermakers.

Penn State vs. Indiana +15.5 o/u 61.5

The play: Penn State

Illogical Reasoning: Whatever extreme outside shot the Nittany Lions had to make the college football playoff were dashed when Michigan State forced Penn State to embark on a joint venture of ugliness with them last weekend and came out of Happy Valley with a win.

Penn State rebounds this week in an effort to play a bowl game after December 15. Quarterback Trace McSorley showed the sort of poise and competency of a quarterback for a national championship team in the game against Ohio State. After a hiccup last week where he threw for under 200 yards and rushed for under 50, McSorley reasserts himself and the team coasts on the road.

Last week’s record: 1-2

Overall record: 9-12

In desperate need of a win this week, I turned to the dark side and took the under in a game. The move disrespects my family, the power of rock and roll, and my nation, but I needed to change the tides of the last few weeks. My heel turn has me staring down Koko B. Ware in the main event of a C Town show at the Poughkeepsie Armory with Mr. Fuji on the outside, ready and willing to spoil Koko’s efforts with some salt thrown in his eyes.

To high sodium and a winning record!