As someone with an affinity for wrestling figures, purely decorative, I cast no stink eyes on how others spend their money. Except for greeting cards. Nothing says sorry about that double hip replacement like a chihuahua carrying a bushel of balloons in its mouth. Actually, that’s the best “get well” card I’ve seen/dreamed up this side of hippos in evening wear. Hippos always win. Back to finances, the medication is starting to wear off. 

To my fellow parishioners in the church of Unwise Fiscal Decisions, I want to give you some warnings when it comes to your decisions on game(s)day. We have some time until next Friday when both Michigan State and Iowa lead the Big Ten into bowl action. For now, build a set of rules specific to your picks. I’ve outlined a few cautionary tales as it relates to bowl games. Your willingness to follow means no difference to me. I save the lectern-pounding for the perpetually under-represented. 

Don’t chase: Fairly obvious, but there’s a good chance one bad bet snowballs into another bad bet. You figure that with only one or two other games happening on that day you’re bound to talk yourself into a side you have little to no knowledge of. Recalibrate and do some research for the next day’s set of games. However, if you must place two bets on the same day, do so at the same time. It lessens your anxiousness and keeps fingernails above the line before they take a creepy jagged shape. 

Know your actives: Use sites like 247 Sports to stay in the loop as to who is in and who is out. For instance, Minnesota linebacker Kamal Martin decided to skip the Outback Bowl versus Auburn in favor of preparation for the NFL Draft. How does his absence play into what Auburn likes to do in its rushing attack? Does a linebacker’s absence create that sort of noticeable difference in what a team wants to do on defense? 

The obvious answer to both is, “I have no idea.” Interpret the game through your lens. If Martin’s choice to sit out is the final piece in punching that button for Auburn you can at least blame your lack of football sensibility when Minnesota covers. 

Does this man look like your offensive line coach?: The most exciting part immediately following the regular season is the coach poach. Forget the firings, who, as part of a coaching staff where the head guy gets a job at a more prestigious program, hops on the last train out of Memphis?

Is the exodus from the coaching staff the sort of purge where the interim guy, or the newly named head coach scrambles through a contacts list of graduate assistants and quality control guys to fill out his staff? Try to look at what the previous staff meant to the program, and more importantly, how the move went over with the team. 

Did the coach use Robert Irsay’s retainer with Mayflower and flee the college town in the cover of darkness, or was he forthright and addressed the team before @horacenewztouse or some sort of burner account dropped the information? Playing angry and in spite of someone is good for a drive or two, but the energy burns a little too fast and dwindles early. 

It just means more: We’ll cover the royalty check for the other conference. Think about who is more invested in the game. Last year Texas used bowl season, more specifically Tom Herman used bowl season to take a month-long approach to dismantling a Georgia team hellbent on saying its two losses outranked one-loss Oklahoma. The Bulldogs exhausted energy on an invite that never arrived and got Bevo’d in the process. 

Consider the teams and the normal expectations the teams endure. Does Alabama want to be playing on New Years Day or New Years Eve or New Years Eve Eve when the game does not determine the national champion? 

Time is on my side: Is one month for Mark Dantonio enough time to draw up plays to correct the ills of the season for the Pinstripe Bowl? Track the coach’s bowl record and see who flourishes. Some coaches are week-to-week guys, able to endure the year-long journey and its potholes. Others are one-off wonders, able to balance the tricky task of incorporating some gadgetry into a game plan while not boiling it down to a series of double-reverses and flea-flickers. 

Much like the regular season, a series of principles and rules can at least guide you through bowl season, and give you a suitable distraction when the holiday party turns to talk of the impeachment proceedings.