Ad Disclosure
We started Saturday Tradition nearly 4 years ago. Basically since its inception, I’ve been wanting to come up with the definitive list of every B1G team as a character from “The Office.”
Well, today is that day.
If you aren’t a fan of The Office, first of all, you should be. No, I don’t care that the show ended over half a decade ago. It’s basically on Comedy Central all day every day and if it’s ever removed from Netflix, the world will riot.
If you’re under the impression that the show wasn’t any good after Jim and Pam got together, I’m sorry. I’m not sure we can be friends. And if you’re under the impression that Robert California belonged on the show at any given time, take a walk and pretend that take never existed.
Today, we’ll do the thing that I’ve been wanting to do for a long time. Because it’s June, now felt like the perfect time to do it.
So while understanding that these are not EXACT comps, here’s every B1G team as a character from The Office:
Illinois — Meredith
I’d be lying if I said Meredith’s hair color had nothing to do with this. Of course it does. But besides that, Meredith was capable of that once-in-a-blue-moon episode, just like Illinois is capable of that once-in-a-blue-moon season. Meredith getting hit by Michael’s car was like Illinois going to the Rose Bowl, and Meredith shaving her head was as shocking as Illinois hiring Lovie Smith.
Oh, and “Unofficial” is Meredith’s forever mood.
Indiana — Stanley
Stanley gets through meetings in the conference room with his crossword puzzles much like how Indiana fans count down the moments to Hoosier Hysteria (basically Pretzel Day). Every once in a while, Stanley will peak his head up for one of those “I better not miss this” moments in the conference room, much like how Indiana will get its fans’ attention with a down-to-the-wire home game against Michigan or Ohio State.
Iowa — Dwight
Corn and beets are two of the same, right? No? Well, besides the loose farming connection, Dwight gets a new dress shirt about as often as Iowa changes coaches. Both are fiercely loyal and probably get a bad wrap for their quirks — Iowa loves punting its way to a 10-6 win as much as Dwight loves seesawing with Mose — even though both pride themselves on out-working everyone. Dwight can out-sell the computer and Iowa can win without modern recruiting practices. Kirk Ferentz flirting with the NFL was like when Dwight had that extremely brief period at Staples.
And much like how Ferentz will coach at Iowa until the day he dies, Dwight ain’t leaving Dunder Mifflin until he’s being celebrated at a traditional Schrute Family funeral.
Maryland — Toby
Divorced and considered by some to be the red-headed stepchild of its new conference (for football at least), the connection here makes a lot of sense. When Toby tried to befriend the Scranton Strangler, it was like when Maryland stood by DJ Durkin amidst those damning player abuse allegations. In hindsight, Maryland’s hiring of Durkin now looks like when Toby went to Costa Rica and immediately wound up in the hospital because of a zip-lining accident.
Michigan — Oscar
I know Michigan fans are gonna hate this, but hear me out. Whenever someone brings up the Wolverines lack of national relevance, Michigan fans interrupt with a “well, actually” about being the winningest program in college football. In the same way that Oscar needs to show he’s the smartest person in the room, you usually know you’re in a room with a Michigan grad within about 5 seconds (why do they always wear the Michigan hat AND the Michigan shirt?).
And like how Oscar’s love interests always seem to fizzle — Gil, Matt from the warehouse, Senator Lipton — Michigan’s coaches in the post-Lloyd Carr era have had a tendency of doing the same. Maybe Jim Harbaugh can be the love of Oscar’s, I mean Michigan’s*, life.
Michigan State — Darryl
For a while, it looked like Darryl was destined to be a relatively minor character operating the warehouse. But once Jo Bennett (Mark Dantonio) came along, MSU finally got the bump it had been desperate for. A regular fixture in the latter half of the show, Darryl got his chance for the ultimate promotion when Michael left, much like how MSU finally got its chance to shine on the big stage when it made the Playoff in 2015.
But then Darryl forgot he had to actually go through the process like a real candidate, and MSU forgot that it actually had to score points against Alabama like a real football team. Darryl’s horrendous “you should just fire me” episode after the warehouse won the lottery was the equivalent to MSU’s 2016 season. But fortunately, both recovered and eventually figured things out.
Minnesota — Creed
Both were very, very different in their past lives. The Gophers once won national titles while Creed once followed a cult and lived like the rockstar he was. Much like a gopher will pop its head out, Creed will pop in to deliver his 1 line per episode. Just like how you’re never too old to use all the ink from the copier to die your hair, it’s never too cold to eat a Dilly Bar.
Minnesota Coach Eats Dilly Bar In Snowstorm https://t.co/BaJG5HNRcA
— CJ Fogler account may or may not be notable (@cjzero) November 15, 2014
Nebraska — Andy
We already know that Andy bleeds big red, so that’s a start. Andy is constantly talking about his glory days of “Here Comes Treble” at Cornell, and Nebraska fans are always reliving the mid-90s. Both came over in the merger and manufactured a rivalry upon arrival (Ironically enough, Dwight is Iowa.). But Andy, as is the case in the post-Tom Osborne era for Nebraska, is in a constant identity crisis. Speaking of Osborne and the need Nebraska fans constantly have to do right by him, Andy endlessly seeks his dad’s approval.
And tell me that there aren’t similarities between Andy punching a hole through the wall and Bo Pelini nearly smacking a ref with his hat:
And if you want a current comparison, well, I’d say Andy’s optimistic “I’m fine, really” mindset after his viral crying video is like Husker fans talking about the future under Scott Frost after a 4-win season.
Northwestern — Pam
This one was tough, but let me explain. You used to always feel bad for Pam. Roy was the worst, and she seemed handcuffed to him. You used to always feel bad for Northwestern. The facilities were the worst and they seemed forever destined to be a B1G cellar dweller. But then Pat Fitzgerald (Jim) came along and Northwestern got to live the life it never thought it deserved (go to art school, have a couple kids, be happy, etc.). It got a $260 million facilities upgrade (Jim was in at the ground floor of Athlead) and Northwestern lived happily ever after (once they moved to Austin).
Ohio State — Michael
Love him or hate him, you need them to exist. Even Michigan fans can admit that they need Ohio State to exist because they’re the ultimate motivator. Michael might not have been the ultimate motivator, but as he went, so did the show. Sure, he made lots of enemies, but the show took a major hit once he left. The same would be true if the Buckeyes ever left the B1G. Like Michael when he left for Michael Scott Paper Company and then when he left Dunder Mifflin a day early, Ohio State’s prominent 2 coaches of the 21st century both left in sudden, atypical fashion.
Most importantly, both have provided us with some cringeworthy moments over the years (Scott’s Tots = The Zach Smith scandal).
Penn State — Ryan
For many of us in the 25-35 age range, Penn State’s introduction to the B1G coincided with our own introduction to the conference. Ryan’s introduction to Dunder Mifflin as a temp coincided with our own. Penn State went undefeated and won the B1G in its second year while Ryan became the youngest Dunder Mifflin Vice President ever (More recently, he worked at a bowling alley. Why don’t you tell her one of your bowling alley stories?). One could say that both had “power go to their heads” and ultimately, their fall from grace was well-documented.
The good news? Both of them took their lumps — Ryan with rehab and Penn State with scholarship limitations — and built themselves back up to get back to being who they once were. Ryan selling WUPHF.com was basically Penn State winning the 2016 B1G Championship.
Purdue — Phyllis
Phyllis talks about Bob Vance (Vance Refrigeration) like Purdue talks about its astronauts. Look. We’re proud of you. It’s cool. Let’s move on to something else, though. Phyllis decided she wasn’t going to get pushed around by Angela anymore so she stood up for herself and she ultimately blackmailed her way into head of the Party Planning Committee. Purdue decided it wasn’t going to get pushed around by the B1G anymore, and it ultimately decided to replace Darrell Hazell with Jeff Brohm.
And much like Phyllis’ stunning gold medal performance in Flonkerton, Purdue reminded us last year against Ohio State that it was capable of an out-of-body experience.
Rutgers — Nellie
Poor Nellie. Everybody wonders why she’s there, and everyone treats her like crap when she joins Dunder Mifflin full time. She ends up being the butt of every joke and you sort of just end up feeling sorry for her.
Sound familiar?
Wisconsin — Jim
You can go a lot of different directions for Jim, but here’s why I think Wisconsin makes sense. They’re solid and reliable to the point where when they do have a bad year (or episode), you question everything. You can plug in one great Wisconsin running back (or Dwight prank) for another. Their time as the lead dog was brief, but they’re content with being a solid No. 2 in the conference (or office).
Wisconsin’s ground-and-pound style is weaved into the fabric of the B1G, and Jim’s smirk to the camera is synonymous with The Office.
Some others to repeat teams…
Angela — Penn State
Yeah … you know what I’m getting at here. When skeletons in the closet are shown to the world, it’s ugly. But the good news was that Angela picked herself up after nobody — not even Dwight — wanted to be with her. She rebounded with a (State) Senator and ultimately ended up escaping her past and actually became her best self in the end. That’s sort of the path you feel like Penn State is on in this post-Jerry Sandusky era.
Erin — Purdue
Purdue’s thing was quarterbacks. Erin’s thing was being able to name all the Triple Crown winners. Purdue hired Darrell Hazell. Erin dated Gabe. Purdue actually became must-see TV when it hired Jeff Brohm. Erin actually became an important part of the later seasons because she started dating Andy again. And like how Brohm said no to Louisville when the program came crawling back to him, Erin said no to Andy when he came crawling back to her. I can only assume that she and Plop lived happily ever after, just as Purdue fans hope to live happily ever after with Brohm now that the Louisville hurdle has been cleared.
Kelly — Minnesota
Doesn’t stop talking. Ever. Sound like anyone else you might know?
Kevin — Nebraska
This is strictly so I could reference Kevin’s famous chili. Maybe Kevin should go full Nebraska and pair his chili with cinnamon rolls?
Connor O'Gara is the senior national columnist for Saturday Tradition. He's a member of the Football Writers Association of America. After spending his entire life living in B1G country, he moved to the South in 2015.