I think you're swell: Compliments from each B1G fan base to its Week 4 opponent
There’s been a bunch of acrimony these last few weeks. Blame the White Sox’s hire of Tony La Russa as the first and foremost reason. To compensate, it’s time for all of us to say something nice about our conference brethren, the sort of compliment from team to team that engenders goodwill through the holiday season.
What better way than to compliment an upcoming foe? We’re all in this together, from our over-reliance on man coverage to the (sanitized) crossed fingers that we’ll be able to play each and every remaining game. From opponent to opponent, here’s how each fan base (probably) would compliment the other leading up to Week 4 in the B1G. These positive affirmations will carry us through the holiday season, a trying time as Neal Page tries to make it home for Thanksgiving.
Iowa vs. Minnesota
Hawkeyes to Golden Gophers: How convenient is it to get around your town since there’s multiple forms of public transportation. Must be nice to know your coach can be admitted into any supper club on his game day appearance alone.
Gophers to Hawkeyes: Do you have to actively seek out other anxiety-producing activities since your coach just kind of succeeds and hangs around? And ugh, to own the one tradition in college sports even the most jaded cynic has to appreciate, the good fortune!
Indiana vs. Michigan State
Hoosiers to Spartans: Way to show us the way against Michigan. And to think, all it took was deep routes to our most talented wide receiver. One man’s touchdowns are another man’s pass interference penalties to continue drives.
Spartans to Hoosiers: Welcome to the party. As someone who finished in the top 10 nationally four times in the last decade it’s a comfortable place. Take our advice and if things get static, move some positional coaches around. A simple shuffle of the deck buys you a year from the most gullible of your fan base.
Illinois vs. Rutgers
Illini to Scarlet Knights: It must be so fun to play games where after the play is dead no whistles bring the ball back to the original line of scrimmage, you don’t lose a down, or it only takes 10 yards to make a first down. And, excuse me, but laterals?!?!? How on earth do you even sit still knowing the creative ways available to gain a first down and maintain possession of the football.
Scarlet Knights to Illini: Props to your dedication to participation. Everyone gets a bite of the apple. Fourth-string quarterback on the field? The fulfillment of promises made and promises kept to scholarship players is a real check mark in your honesty column and the sort of way of life championed by modern day parenting books.
Penn State vs. Nebraska
Nittany Lions to Cornhuskers: You were a hunk 20 years ago you absolute beefcake. You’ll get there soon enough again. I know you’re anxious, and if 2020 is any indication, we’ll continue to do whatever we can to get you back to relevance.
Huskers to Lions: Ugh, wish we had your confidence to pull off such a modest look, road games and home games alike. You handled pandemic-related matters with a level of grace we know nothing about.
Ohio State vs. Maryland
Buckeyes to Terrapins: So does Larry David ever come back to campus? No, really. A lesser team, like hypothetically, one just north of us that plays in a fairly sizable dwelling, but purely hypothetically speaking when we say one north of us, would pack it in after a Week 1 curb-stomp like the one you received.
Terps to Buckeyes: How do you stay so grounded when you do so many things so much better than everyone else? You’re forgiven for the whole “The” thing too. A team whose quarterback has the same number of incompletions (11) as passing touchdowns through three games is the stuff of legend.
Wisconsin vs. Michigan
Badgers to Wolverines: What conviction you have! Steadfast in your beliefs, like the people who believed the earth was flat, you do not back off what you believe is right for you. Your method of pass protection and the desolate and dangerous positions you leave members of your overmatched secondary in promotes a confidence we see in most folks only after two bottles of wine.
Wolverines to Badgers: That break! So jealous. We wouldn’t even need Netflix, or bunny ears, or electricity. It must be so nice to get away for two weeks. The comforts of a dark room and silence is the sort of TLC we need at this moment.
Northwestern vs. Purdue
Wildcats to Boilermakers: The forward pass is something we’ve long-admired. We hope to one day solely rely on it like you.
Boilermakers to Wildcats: How exhausting is it to play defense for four quarters? We’ve tried a few times but the concentration and communication are such a chore. And the strength required? Forget it. Here’s to you and your whole-game approach.