A glance at the Week Five menu and we knew to show up hungry for some superb and delectable appetizers and get out of dodge before the Drano-laced nightcap of Michigan-Rutgers.

We know to expect cardboard fans, one cancellation, and suggestions for Jim Harbaugh’s replacement that should come with the qualifier of “To the best of my knowledge, no one sprinkled paint chips on my chili.” Ah, the routine nature of a very routine-adverse season. Picture “Groundhog Day” but each time Phil Connors wakes up he’s played by one of the Murray brothers of lesser renown, not even the one in “Caddyshack.” 

Anyway, here’s how I see the rest of the season playing out for each B1G team:

Illinois 2-6

Through Week 5: 2-3

When tasked to watch football games including Illinois, it’s important to not overwhelm yourself with high expectations, but at the same time disavowing play beneath the standards set in Champaign. I say this with all sincerity and not with the sort of glibness that makes it impossible for me to run for mayor in a city with a population under 115,000: I enjoy the Illini’s earnestness as a run-first team. 

Indiana 6-2

Through Week 5: 4-1

Was it messy? Sure was. Was it clunky and beautiful at the same time? Hell yes, but Indiana’s conviction and ability to compete with Ohio State for the entire game leads me to believe they’ll be the next team in the conference to beat the Buckeyes. 

Iowa 5-3

Through Week 5: 3-2

The Hawkeyes have scored a total of 125 points in their past three games — against defensive featherweights Michigan State, Minnesota and Penn State. Expect the good times and meaty point totals to continue next week against Nebraska, whose fans will spend the days leading up to the game efforting a coo against Scott Frost like the one Norman Dale almost fell victim to.

Maryland 3-3

Through Week 5: 2-1

The football traditionalist in me needs to be resuscitated. Few chest pumps, no paddles. Please, it would ruin my Dri FIT shirt. However, I am honest-to-goodness excited for Maryland at Indiana next weekend. 

Michigan 4-4

Through Week 5: 2-3

I don’t like this prospective record any more than you do. We’ve both used each loss as a chance to update Harbaugh’s obituary, which includes gory details of his demise this season thanks to a quarterback debate, poor play from the cornerback position, and most recently, a bad kicking performance. It would be incredibly fitting for Harbaugh to finish the year with an even record and allow renewed optimism to ferment from a dark and damp corner of the university. 

Michigan State 1-6

Through Week 5: 1-3

There’s a scene in “Grumpy Old Men” where Jack Lemon and Walter Matthau deride the other’s low pain threshold in comparison to their own. Michigan State and Michigan fans can have that same conversation this season.  

Minnesota 3-5

Through Week 5: 2-3

Balance is nice. A fun little way to keep defenses off their toes and provide casual football fans the ecstasy of a long completion. Minnesota found balance in its offense Friday night with rushing attempts dispersed to several players, same goes for completions and targets. Expect the defense to reach that same balance next week as defenders watch Wisconsin’s skill players run past them on both the left side and right side of the field. 

Nebraska 2-5

Through Week 5: 1-3

We all know how badly Nebraska wanted this. Their sincerity and willingness to commit to something is oftentimes taken advantage of, like when Illinois ran a fake punt against the Huskers up 21 points and on their own 31.  

Northwestern 8-0

Through Week 5: 5-0

Imagine the book deals to come from this season as notable alums rush to a publisher to sell them on the plucky ‘Cats. As an observer partial only to calamity and chaos, it’s well and good to look ahead for Northwestern. With Michigan State, Minnesota and Illinois left it’s safe to see if St. Elmo’s has outdoor dining. 

Ohio State 7-0

Through Week 5: 4-0

Ohio State survived 3 interceptions from quarterback Justin Fields and a decision from Ryan Day to stay aggressive in favor of a two-score lead. The team’s quick-strike capability from Fields to any Ohio State receiver is what sets the Buckeyes apart from the rest of the conference. It hurts me from my head to my toes, but the difference between Ohio State and the rest of the Big Ten measures the exact same distance as the one between Clemson and the rest of the ACC. 

Penn State 2-6

Through Week 5: 0-5

Culling through episodes of “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood” to figure out how to say “Dude, I mean WTF” in Yinzer.  

Purdue 3-4

Through Week 5: 2-2

Condolences to the Boilermakers, the floral arrangement is pending, they wouldn’t care for the fruit basket. That’s enough, no one’s lying in state. On the Best Fridays in Football podcast, Urban Meyer described how in his pregame routine he would commit to getting certain skill players like Percy Harvin the ball so many times in the upcoming game. Jeff Brohm must’ve listened between bootleg records of Jackson Browne shows. In Rondale Moore’s first game of the season, he touched the ball a total of 18. That’s good enough for 15 receptions and 3 rushing attempts. Win or lose, let’s appreciate Brohm’s efforts to get his best player the ball that many times. 

Rutgers 1-7

Through Week 5: 1-4

Appreciate the formations, motions, and play calls from offensive coordinator Sean Gleeson. A level of creativity permeates everything the Scarlet Knights do, specifically on offense. 

Wisconsin 5-1

Through Week 5: 2-1

The Badgers were thin at wide receiver going into Saturday, but the loss to Northwestern should give them peace of mind that they have little shot at the Big Ten Championship especially with one loss and two cancellations. Can you imagine trying to be health conscious for yourself and for others without the cookie of the College Football Playoff at the end of the season? The relief is palpable.