Bowl names are at an all-time worst, so here are better ones for each B1G game
Bowls have gone corporate. That much is obvious.
We’ve gotten to the point where seemingly every bowl game name is bizarre and virtually unrecognizable. The Military Bowl presented by Northrop Grumman or the Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl are just a couple of the lengthy names you’ll see.
Instead of going by the book, perhaps we should adopt some new bowl names. They’re a bit more literal than the confusing, five-word corporate sponsor names. Our long bowl names better tell the story.
Here’s what each B1G bowl SHOULD be named:
Maryland vs. Boston College
Actual name — Quick Lane Bowl
New name —Do We Really Have to Go to Detroit in Late December? Bowl
Because why go to the Bahamas when you can go to Detroit in late December?
Minnesota vs. Washington State
Actual name — National Funding Holiday Bowl
New name — We Can’t Beat Our Rivals Bowl
Minnesota lost to Wisconsin for the 13th straight year and Washington State lost in the Apple Cup by double digits for the fourth straight time. But hey, at least a couple of cold-weather teams get to enjoy San Diego.
Northwestern vs. Pittsburgh
Actual name — New Era Pinstripe Bowl
New name — We Don’t Get No Respect Bowl
Pat Narduzzi is always claiming someone disrespected him — usually Penn State — while Pat Fitzgerald could record three straight double-digit win seasons and Northwestern would barely crack the top 25. A bowl that has “six-win team” written all over it is fitting for these two clubs that looked much better for most of the regular season.
(Go to the 1:32 mark to hear Pat Narduzzi talk about respect)
Indiana vs. Utah
Actual name — Foster Farms Bowl
New name — Don’t Worry, You’re Still Coming to Cali Bowl
Be honest, Indiana fans. How quickly did you google search “Foster Farms Bowl” to see where it was played? Don’t worry, it’ll be in San Francisco. Perhaps locals will get treated to some quality football for a change.
Nebraska vs. Tennessee
Actual name — Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl
New name — Root, Root for the Home Team Bowl
Because the Music City Bowl’s Twitter account already did that:
Welcome, Nebraska! I imagine this will be deleted later. So, here you go, straight from the Music City Bowl's official Twitter account: pic.twitter.com/xKFOdF7vza
— Josh Moyer (@ESPNJoshMoyer) December 5, 2016
Michigan vs. Florida State
Actual name — Capital One Orange Bowl
New name — Weren’t We Supposed To Be in the Playoff? Bowl
Remember the Week 3 Associated Press poll? It had Florida State and Michigan at No. 2 and No. 4, respectively. Neither will play in the playoff, but both have a bevy of NFL draft prospects that’ll use the game as a showcase. Still, both will be kicking themselves for losing one too many games.
Florida vs. Iowa
Actual name — Outback Bowl
New name — Punters are People, Too Bowl
In total offense, Iowa and Florida rank No. 115 and No. 120, respectively. In total defense, they rank No. 6 and No. 24, respectively. Get ready for some BOOMING punts.
Or maybe this:
Wisconsin vs. Western Michigan
Actual name — Goodyear Cotton Bowl Classic
New name — B1G West Championship Bowl
Oh, you thought Wisconsin already won that? Well, guess who else is undefeated against the division? The Broncos can improve to 3-0 against the B1G West with a win against the Badgers. Wisconsin is truly defending its crown.
Penn State vs. USC
Actual name — Rose Bowl Game Presented by Northwestern Mutual
New name — Let’s Pretend September Didn’t Happen Bowl
Ignore what happened in September and you could make a case for Penn State and USC as two of the top three teams in the playoff. Unfortunately, it’s a 12-game regular season. But let’s be clear. Penn State was WAY closer to the playoff than USC. Hear that, ESPN? WAY closer.
Ohio State vs. Clemson
Actual name — Playstation Fiesta Bowl
New name — We Want Bama Bowl
The winner of this game is going to have A MILLION fans holding up “We Want Bama” signs. Why not just turn it into some free advertising?
Appreciate the honesty pic.twitter.com/9zn5TLY5xs
— College GameDay (@CollegeGameDay) December 3, 2016