Oh, the horror! When Greg Sankey, SEC finally found out the Big Ten is better this season ...
Based on conversations that might have but definitely did not happen …
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Somewhere deep inside the opulent Southeastern Conference ivory tower built on a foundation of annual broken dreams shipped directly from Starkville and funded by tithes via the bottomless Nick Saban Playoff Game Fund, a nameless underling creeps quietly into Greg Sankey’s inner sanctum.
Taking care first to kneel at the recently installed altar of Kirby Smart and saying a quick novena at the pin-lit oil painting of Roy Kramer, the fresh-faced underling genuflects before the oversized oaken desk and croaks out the painful statement …
“Um, sir … We have a problem with the Big Ten.”
Looking up blankly, triple soy latte in one hand and the latest SEC on ABC television ratings in the other, Sankey seems perplexed. How could this be? The mightiest of conferences cannot be under siege from any flank, no matter what Vanderbilt or Kentucky might concoct to ding Sankey’s gilded pillars of football greatness.
“Blasphemy!” Sankey bellows. “What is your name, peon, and why do you bring these lies to me? Have you no shame, no honor? Now drop and give me 50 – and not Fulmer push-ups, either, the real ones!”
Once the lackey was done with the calisthenics and Sankey looked over his fresh copy of the Financial Times to nod approvingly, the commissioner regarded the about-to-be-unemployed underling and asked what he meant.
“Well, sir … It seems like there are several teams in the Big Ten that are, um, well, how do I say this … good?”
“CURSES! Get out of this office!” Sankey exclaims. “Bring me my crack public relations team to explain the insanity of which you speak!”
The intern scurries away, muttering quietly about a Conference-USA position he saw online, as the SEC’s top flaks quickly pile in with charts and graphs to help Sankey understand.
“You see, oh great one, no one could have anticipated Nike actually following through on that bottomless NIL deal in Oregon – and all our algorithms didn’t project Dan Lanning as anything more than a meathead anyway,” one finally offers.
“So what?” Sankey snorts. “Someone was bound to win that Ohio State-Oregon game anyway. But what is that big red dot over that state that kinda looks like a half-rectangle and half-triangle with a bite taken out of it”
“Um, sir … that is Indiana?” comes the reply.
“Silence, fool! This isn’t basketball season! You mean to tell me Indiana is winning in football?” Sankey finally says with bewilderment in his voice. “Did they go to Conference-USA like that punk that was in here earlier?”
“No, sir, it seems Indiana has a former Nick Saban assistant named Curt Cignetti now and they are very good at our sport,” replies the flak while ducking a leather-bound first printing of How To Fleece Networks And Earn Billions.
“The larger problem, sir, is that the Big Ten could well end up with 2 undefeated teams heading into their conference championship game. Oregon and Indiana don’t play each other. That is just something our models never predicted.
“Not only that, sir, both Ohio State and Penn State could end up just 1 loss. We don’t have any undefeated teams left, sir. Even with the genius expanded Playoff system you hand-crafted and sold to ESPN, all 4 of those teams could get in and we could be left with scraps by the time they get done.”
“CRIPES ALMIGHTY!” Sankey roars. “Get me Sark on the blower! Summon Kirby to this office right now – just don’t let his players drive him! Better yet, we need an emergency pow-wow at The Bright Star or in Destin to come up with a solution to this! All hands on deck!”
“But your eminency, no amount of crab claws or poolside frozen margs is going to unravel this problem,” croaks another peon while nimbly dodging a thrown commemorative Dr Pepper can from 2005 Media Days. “Even if we stack the College Football Playoff committee with the same buddies that hosed Florida State last season, there is no way to justify the loser of Texas A&M-Texas or the loser of Georgia-Tennessee getting in – especially with Notre Dame now in the mix, too.”
“That does it!” Sankey bellows with enough office-shaking fury to send the PR fools scrambling for cover. “Notre Dame lost to Northern Illinois in South Bend! I know – I engineered that to happen! The next thing you’re going to try and sell me is that some random teams like BYU and Pitt are unbeaten, too?
“But you can’t con a con man like me, you mere underlings. I know better. The system is foolproof! We will get our 4 teams in, fools, or my name isn’t Gregory Saint Spurrier Hail Saban Sankey! You’ll see, world. You’ll see …”