The best Christmas gift for every B1G team in 2021
Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!
If I were Santa Claus, here’s what I would be giving each Big Ten team:
Illinois — Another win
Man, how bad did Bret Bielema want to go bowling this year? The coach said he was waiting by the phone for a call, but Rutgers got it instead. I’ll be honest, I love that Illinois and Rutgers both wanted to go bowling, even if not all in the media agree.
Indiana — More football boosters
It was a really bad season, but dang, Tom Allen had to take a pay cut? This guy just had Indiana in the top 10 last season … in football! The Hoosiers need some more football boosters to pay for those buyouts of the fired assistants.
Iowa — iPhone
Surely with Iowa’s outdated offense, we can assume the Hawkeyes are operating with a flip phone. Wait until they use Siri, that’s going to be quite the shock.
Maryland — Map
I’m old enough to remember what happened when an out-of-towner spent Christmas in New York. Terps, learn from Kevin McAllister’s mistakes and use a map so you show up on time to the Pinstripe Bowl against Virginia Tech.
Michigan — Camera
I think Michigan fans would love to freeze time right now, and what gift does that better than a camera? Life really couldn’t be better for Michigan, which is the Big Ten champion, doesn’t have a losing streak against Ohio State and is still alive for the program’s first national title in nearly 25 years. These are some good times that are going to be worth remembering.
Michigan State — Piggy bank
The Spartans better be saving every penny after giving Mel Tucker a lavish extension. The deal makes Tucker one of the highest-paid coaches in college football. That’s the cost of doing business and keeping your head coach from leaving for LSU.
Minnesota — Bubble wrap
For next season’s running backs. Imagine what Minnesota could’ve done with Mohamed Ibrahim instead of its fourth-, fifth- and sixth-string running backs.
Nebraska — A 2nd Helping of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Last year, I thought Chicken Soup for the Soul would be a good way for a downtrodden fan base to boost its spirits. Now I’m recommending the second edition because 2021 wasn’t much better after going 3-9 and not making a bowl game. By the way, Rutgers and Maryland are both bowl-bound, so every B1G team besides Nebraska has been to one since Frost took over in 2018.
Northwestern — Eraser
It’d probably be best to wipe this season from memory and pretend like it never happened. Coming into the 2022 season, Northwestern is the defending West champs.
Ohio State — The movie ‘He’s just not that into you’
It wasn’t Ohio State’s fault that QB Quinn Ewers, the Buckeyes’ highest-rated recruit ever, left after 1 season. It wasn’t personal, they just got used for a few month’s worth of NIL money. This movie should help remind them that sometimes, he’s just not that into you, and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Penn State — People Magazine subscription
James Franklin inked a long-term extension, meaning his name won’t be mentioned in every single head coaching rumor. That means Penn State fans will need some new gossip. This magazine should fill the void.
Purdue — Boots and a cowboy hat
The Boilermakers are headed back to Nashville for the Music City Bowl. And uh, they didn’t really fit in well the last time they were there 3 years ago when they lost to Auburn by 49 points, so these gifts should help them have a better experience this time around.
Rutgers — Sunscreen
Rutgers loses the bowl-eligibility matchup with Maryland in the final week of the regular season and somehow it gets to go south for some sunshine in the Gator Bowl instead of New York for the Pinstripe Bowl. Boy, did that work out or what? I’m not sure if Rutgers will have time to get ready on such short notice, so better get it some sunscreen in case it forgets.
Wisconsin — Biography of Wright brothers
Given the Badgers’ incompetence passing the football (119th-ranked pass offense), they could use a primer on how to operate through the air. Reading up on how Wilbur and Orville invented air travel would be time well spent.