America needs an Iowa turnover prop
These days, seemingly everyone has a turnover prop.
Miami started the fad when it broke out the turnover chain in 2017, and plenty of others have attempted to put their own twist on it in the years since. From turnover chainsaws to turnover robes to turnover thrones to turnover Mardi Gras beads to turnover coal miner helmets, you’re hard-pressed to find a team that doesn’t celebrate takeaways by dancing around with some ridiculous object.
Except for the best team at forcing turnovers in college football: Iowa.
The Hawkeyes are king, leading the nation with 12 interceptions and 16 total takeaways. But other than a 5-0 record, a No. 3 ranking and legitimate College Football Playoff hopes, Iowa has nothing to show for all that success.
It’s time for an Iowa turnover prop. (Though some Hawkeyes disagree.)
Yes, everyone is ripping off the Hurricanes. But with Miami 104th in the country in takeaways, the turnover chain is a sad relic at this point. It’s time for someone else to pick up the turnover prop mantle. And since the cool place to be for takeaways has shifted from Coral Gables to Iowa City, there’s only one option available.
Iowa fans will likely balk at the idea, claiming “This is Iowa. We don’t do anything ostentatious. We don’t even end our sentences with exclamation points.”
To that, I say hogwash. And if anyone can appreciate hogwash, in the most literal sense, I suspect it would be Iowans.
Iowa boasts of having the World’s Largest Truck Stop. That is some Texas-sized braggadocio. Only it isn’t bragging if it’s true. And since the stats say nobody’s better than Iowa, we must proceed.
Saturday Tradition humbly presents the following nominees for Iowa turnover prop:
The same principle as the turnover chain, but with an Iowa twist — the jewel-encrusted portion wouldn’t be a Miami logo, but a corncob with a stone in the place of each individual kernel.
I’m not entirely sure there’s a jeweler in Iowa capable of filling this order, but it’s possible I’m underrating the Quad Cities as a bling mecca.
“We reap what you throw.”
If the sidelines are safe enough for Oregon State’s turnover chainsaw, they can be made safe enough for the Iowa turnover scythe. Just make the blade dull as a butter knife. Or grab one of those cheap plastic numbers at a Spirit of Halloween, though that’s not nearly as fun.
Speaking of butter …
Butter is an essential Iowa object, and it underscores the fact that the opponents have butterfingers when playing the Hawkeyes.
There’s also a talented hive of butter carvers in Iowa. They could carve a butter football. Or a butter Herky. Or a butter bust of Kirk Ferentz.
Really, the possibilities here are endless. Provided the turnover butter is never broken out before October.
Kevin Costner loves Iowa.
Kevin Costner loves sports.
He combined those passions this summer as the emcee of MLB’s historic Field of Dreams game in Dyersville, so it’s time to strike the iron while it’s hot.
Give Costner a sideline pass to every Iowa game, home and away. And whenever the Hawks force a turnover, Costner is sent crowd-surfing from one end of the bench to the other.
Backup plan: Tom Arnold. We suspect he has fewer scheduling conflicts.
Iowa is the birthplace of future USS Enterprise Captain James Tiberius Kirk. And what better way to capture the burgeoning Star Trek/college football crossover audience than an Iowa turnover phaser?
Wait, where are you going? I have an even worse idea before you leave.
The retired Cy-Hawk farmer trophy
— Dear Old Gold (@DearOldGold) September 9, 2017
Unless it’s been smelted, this unsettling trophy has to be sitting around somewhere. Just remove the base and repurpose it as a turnover prop. Allow its legend to live forever.