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While a majority of us spent Saturday shortening the lifespan of couches and sectionals, Hunter Johnson mimicked a pushed down Nintendo 64 joystick while the console booted up. The Northwestern quarterback played at a frantic pace, often times running backwards in hopes that Cardinal defensive linemen and linebackers failed to stay interested in his efforts.
Backwards was the new forwards, all of which culminated in a Stanford defensive touchdown and a 10-point Cardinal victory, meaning Northwestern’s failure to cover the number. Undefeated became 2-1 in mere moments.
No sort of motivational quote functioning as a space-filler in your aunt’s kitchen (even your aunt, but her bedazzled koozie business sounds sure-fire) shook me from the loss. I spilled a few tears in my beer like Old Bochepus and half-expected to earn the duty of Monday Night Football’s hype man, but nothing changed. Time to hope the 2019 gambling gods practice Old Testament fairness without the intrusiveness of locusts.
Note to Sticklers: All lines taken from mybookie.ag. Lines may have shifted from the column’s inception. The little plastic bags full of all the soup crackers you stole makes a real unsettling sound in your wind pants each time you walk.
The game: Syracuse @ Maryland -2.5 o/u 58.5
The play: Syracuse +2.5
The skewed logic: I really wanted to involve Syracuse in any way, shape, or form, after we watched the first memorable coach’s thumbs up since Jim Tomsula tried to jam his into Ed Orgeron’s throat at some long-forgotten coaching conference on the banks of the Pearl River. The last sentence is a bald-faced lie, but over 77 percent of you said to yourself, “I don’t remember that happening, but it’s completely possible.”
The number seems a little reactionary after Maryland’s thumping of Howard and Syracuse’s candy striper turn last week which was high on entertainment but low on satisfaction in the win over Liberty.
Look for Dino Babers to reign in Tommy Devito a little after the sophomore quarterback attempted 35 passes against Liberty. In Week One the Orange could gamble a little more in the name of getting Devito experience. There will be no such gambling this week, except here. The defense is talented enough to win the game, especially in the secondary with four returning starters.
The game: Cincinnati @ Ohio State -16 o/u 56
The play: Cincinnati +16
The skewed logic: Who among us doesn’t hold “DB Blitz,” as their favorite defensive play call in the (thoughts, prayers and skypoints) NCAA Football franchise? There’s something cleansing about an extra cornerback coming off the edge untouched. Expect that variation of exotic looks plus ones much more exotic not made exclusively for the defensive wizardry of video game players from Cincinnati’s defense when Luke Fickell returns to the Shoe. Fickell’s probably disrespected a bit, a little bit, he didn’t land an interview for the job that went to Ryan Day.
The number of looks and havoc reaped by Cincinnati’s front seven will be enough to keep the Bearcats within 16.
The game: Illinois @ UConn +20.5 o/u 59
The play: Illinois
The skewed logic: Taking Illinois in a game that does not include Rutgers is unsettling, but the Illini will want wins in the first part of September due to the shortage of them through the remainder of the season. The Illini forced Akron off the field with ease last week as the Zips were 3-13 on third down. Expect the same sort of execution against a UConn team that beat Wagner by one point.
Lovie Smith wants to convince the yawning fan base of a reinvigorated program and one way to generate early enthusiasm is to run up the score. Much has been publicized about the upgraded facilities in Champaign to signal the dreaded, “commitment to football,” a sign of telling fans, “See, we’re trying, we won’t win on the reg but check out the 572 varieties of protein-packed treats our players can enjoy after practice.” Early blowouts will excite the more impressionable fans. Illinois has enough talent on defense to create turnovers against UConn and help the offense work with a short field.
Season Record/Last Week’s Record: 2-1
Status on the card: The 2-1 week took me off the circuit with the feral hogs in American Legion basements, but a man of personal relationships, I Gchat biweekly with one of the more amicable hogs. After a few early wins on the house show circuit my big push to a perfect record was thwarted by Frenchie Martin who held my foot down from outside the ring after a second power slam from Dino Bravo.
Nick is a writer for saturdaytradition.com. Your overuse of GIFs forced him away from Twitter. He removed himself from consideration in the Vanderbilt heading coaching search.