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I’m going to make a statement that might be hotly debated for decades to come: Ron Swanson is the most quotable television personality this century.
OK, that may not be the spark that rekindles the 21st century version of The Crusades, but you could probably debate a few other characters who could contend with the Parks and Recreation star for that title. Nonetheless, I’m sticking by Swanson.
His comments are a perfect combination of witty, insightful, hilarious and wise. And, truth be told, a lot of his statements remind me of things a college football coach might say — or at least thinks. Hence, this article.
I can’t take full credit for the story. Our senior writer Connor O’Gara came up with brilliant comparisons between characters from The Office and B1G teams. And, following that story, Jared Jesulaitis of 101.7 The Hammer made the suggestion of incorporating Ron Swanson’s epic quotes into B1G football. So, I kind of combined those two ideas into fun content for the offseason. Credit where credit is due.
After sifting through hours of Ron Swanson’s best quotes, I think I’ve found one for every head football coach in the B1G. Enjoy.
Lovie Smith, Illinois
“Straight down the middle. No hook, no spin, no fuss. Anything more and this becomes figure skating.”
Ron may have been talking about bowling, but Lovie Smith would probably say something like this in a coaches meeting, right? It’s been three years and we haven’t seen anything too fancy or risky from Illinois on the field yet.
Tom Allen, Indiana
“I am not a sore loser. It’s just that I prefer to win, and when I don’t, I get furious.”
Tom Allen shows a lot of passion for Indiana football in many ways. Sometimes, that passion leads to him slamming his hand into a table after a loss to Ohio State.
Kirk Ferentz, Iowa
(Holding an iPod) “Tom Brian put all my records into this rectangle. The songs just play one after the other. This is an excellent rectangle.”
Switch out Tom Haverford for Brian Ferentz, and this quote perfectly describes Kirk Ferentz. Honestly, would it surprise you if he referred to an iPod as a rectangle? He still isn’t quite sure how to “write Twitters,” after all. Wonder if Ferentz is a huge Willie Nelson fan, too?
Mike Locksley, Maryland
“Son, you should know that my recommendation is essentially a guarantee.”
After coaching Tua Tagovailoa and engineering one of Alabama’s most efficient and productive offenses in history, that’s the perfect recruiting line for Mike Locksley.
Jim Harbaugh, Michigan
“There’s only one thing I hate more than lying: skim milk. Which is water that’s lying about being milk.”
When it comes to milk, Ron and Jim Harbaugh are one in the same. They’re both whole milk guys. No further comment really needed.
Mark Dantonio, Michigan State
“Don’t start chasing applause and acclaim. That way lies madness.”
This has basically been Mark Dantonio’s response to Mike Hart’s “little brother” comment so many years ago. Well, really anytime Michigan has the slightest bit of momentum.
P.J. Fleck, Minnesota
“I love riddles.”
I mean, come on. That one is almost too perfect. The only question is whether Ron or P.J. Fleck enjoys riddles more.
Scott Frost, Nebraska
“Never half-ass two things. Whole-ass one thing.”
Every now and then, Ron would show some deep wisdom with an epic quote. Scott Frost has that same ability. This seems like a go-to line for the Nebraska head coach.
Pat Fitzgerald, Northwestern
“I’d wish you the best of luck but I believe luck is a concept created by the weak to explain their failures.”
If you ever watch a Pat Fitzgerald interview during the college football season, then you’ll understand why this makes sense. This seems like a one-liner Fitz would throw out for a laugh, while keeping a straight face, leaving everyone wondering if he’s serious or joking around.
Ryan Day, Ohio State
“I was born ready. I’m Ron (bleeping) Swanson Ryan (bleeping) Day.”
What else is a first-year head coach following in the footsteps of a legend at a blueblood program going to say? You can’t really come out with “I’ll give it my best shot.” That won’t fly in Columbus.
James Franklin, Penn State
“It’s always a good idea to demonstrate to your coworkers that you are capable of withstanding a tremendous amount of pain.”
Ron “pulled out” a tooth during a meeting with his coworkers. James Franklin hasn’t done that (at least that we know about), but he has gone paintballing with his team in the past. That shows some toughness, right?
Jeff Brohm, Purdue
“One rage every three months Saturday is permitted. Try not to hurt anyone who doesn’t deserve it.”
Not sure why this one is relevant? Search for the “Street Fight between the Whistles” video on YouTube or Twitter. Or watch Jeff Brohm Hulk-smash a chair through the ground. Or watch BTN’s Black and Gold Days from last year. Your choice.
Chris Ash, Rutgers
“My question is, what the hell?”
This is how Chris Ash starts every coaches meeting on Sunday, right? At least it had to be last year, particularly after the Kansas game.
Paul Chryst, Wisconsin
“When people get too chummy with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to let them know I don’t really care about them.”
Paul Chryst hates talking with the media almost as much as Ron hates talking to, well, anyone. This quote may not apply to all people for Chryst, but he’s definitely a candidate to call a reporter by the wrong name to try and escape an interview.
Dustin grew up in the heart of Big Ten country and has been in sports media since 2010. He has been covering Big Ten football since 2014. You can follow him on Twitter: @SchutteCFB