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Nicotine and fingernails are appetite supplements, not full meals. What is this, NASA in 1969?
Nourishment is a big part of every Saturday in the fall. We’re so caught up in when to time our bathroom breaks and the necessary shifting to avoid couch sores that we consume food at a frantic pace. Let’s enjoy one of the cherished 13 without a bottle of Pepto.
Start the day with a coffee and bagel or donut. No “s” attached to any of the options. Whet your appetite, there’s a long day in the works. We don’t expect you to make it through the 9 pm games, but a full stomach is your worst enemy to the day, so is amping up.
Stay away from more than one or two cups of coffee. Any more and you’ll find yourself cobbling together random parlays and frequent walks around the sectional waiting for games to start. It’s showy to headbutt your breakfront as a sign of excitement. Keep a big cup of water ready for the day.
Sounds simple, but hydration is key to awareness on Saturday. You need all your faculties to bounce from channel to channel and maintain a game of tug of war with Milton the Black Lab while the battery on your phone dies a hurried death. Drink one water for every other beverage you consume and keep it to snacking, not gluttony.
Snacks are your best asset. Always order less than you think. It’s not until you run your fingers along the bottom of the bowl for Chex Mix shavings that the taco dip and meatballs are doing battle in your internal trenches. You’re too far gone and don’t want to waste anything made from pasteurized milk and a seasoning packet. Avoid the food coma at all costs, though this week there’s more margin for error.
Things are slim nationally, but business as usual in the Big Ten. The conference trumpets its extra inter-conference game to hush the uneventful non conference schedule. Week Three is brought to you by in-state bickering.
Game #3: Pitt @ #13 Penn State 11 AM CST, ABC
James Franklin does not get enough credit for his petulance. He’s always one scoring drive away from running up the score in wins, he changed his offensive signals after one player from the Great Nittany Lion Mass Exodus of 2019 signed with Pitt, and seems just out of the fray when things get testy.
Franklin does not have to worry about seeing Pitt in the near future as the two teams are not scheduled to play each other after this matchup. The uncertainty of the next game between the two gives him a better chance to expose his inner Spurrier without the fun sound bites. There will be a level of hostility to this game unseen by any other Big Ten game in Week Three. Penn State’s offense needed a little longer to defrost last week, so expect the Nittany Lions to run up the score if given the chance. I provide Exhibit A from 2018: Penn State 51-Pitt 6.
Full disclosure: if Pitt hosted the 2019 game it might have come in as the second-ranked game. I prefer shots back from commercial of Primanti Brothers over the subtleties of stacking one scoop of ice cream on top of the other at the Berkey Creamery.
Game #2: #6 Ohio State @ Indiana, 11 AM CST, Fox
The first road game for Justin Fields in a Buckeye uniform brims with opportunity as he’s become appointment television after two weeks. I don’t expect a raucous environment in Memorial Stadium unless the three buses from the Will Sheehey Virtual Reality Tour return in time for the game.
Keep an eye on how the Ohio State defense travels. If they can create the sort of disruption they did last week expect a lot of constant pressure on the TBD Hoosier quarterback from a defense itching to score its first touchdown.
Game #1: #19 Iowa @ Iowa State, 3 PM CST, FS1
If it’s good enough for “College Gameday” then it’s good enough for TWWW. Both teams should be ranked but Iowa State failed to take care of Northern Iowa in regulation in Week One. Being taken to overtime by an FBS team at home when ranked violates Code 34.62 in the AP Top 25 Poll Unimaginative Voters Roadmap. Therefore, only Iowa is ranked.
I’m going to fight off the urge to guess only Iowa State basketball players as the guest picker for the event, but after removing them and Seneca Wallace from consideration all I’m left with is Seth Rollins, Kevin Costner, and Marianne Williamson who figured a large venue full of binge-drinking Busch Light enthusiasts was the ideal spot to solicit contributions and signatures for her presidential campaign.
We haven’t even touched the game yet and that’s okay. Expect a great atmosphere and the last bit of national exposure for the state until the primary in January.
Nick is a writer for saturdaytradition.com. Your overuse of GIFs forced him away from Twitter. He removed himself from consideration in the Vanderbilt heading coaching search.