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Trick or treat, B1G football style: Not every fan can get a full-size Snickers or a Reese’s
By Luke Glusco
Published:
The Big Ten is a scary place this Halloween. Dark tunnels. Endless abysses. Shenanigans after dark.
Supposedly it’s all in good fun, but sometimes we’re not so sure.
As football fans, we’re on the receiving end of the frights and the treats, helplessly holding the bag and hoping for the best.
It’s up to our beloved universities and their football programs to provide the goodies. Some do it better than others. We try to do our part, dressing in color coordinated costumes and showing up at the appropriate time.
Imagining each program as a house in the neighborhood, we’ve come up with some ideas on what they might offer to those seeking a treat as October turns to November.
Illinois: Fun-size Snickers
If parceled out in small doses, the treats might last longer. Not everyone can hand out full-size candy bars like Ohio State. Anyway, this is a lot better than what they were giving out last year, not that anyone remembers exactly what that was. And they encourage, almost beg you to come back for seconds. Much more welcoming this fall. The big friendly owner of the place hopes to do this year after year.
Indiana: Sugar-free hard candy
This is disappointing, and I think it’s left over from last year. You have to have very specific and weird tastes to make that house worth the stop.
Iowa: 1 Smartie
No, not 1 sleeve of Smarties. One Smartie. Minimal. Almost nothing. Shaped like a zero. And oh by the the way, no other houses near here are participating. You don’t have better options, so you’ll have to make this pittance last. Less is more at the Kinnick house. You must cherish the treats you get; it’s a lean year in Iowa City.
Maryland: Hawaiian Red Chili Toffee
An island treat that Maryland has been offering for several years now. The flavorful mix isn’t for everyone, but most seem to enjoy it. It’s way more sophisticated than what they used to give out, but rumors suggest that production might have stopped. You’ll have to see for yourself.
Michigan: Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Two basic but awesome ingredients, almost equally blended. Almost never disappoints. And this is the real deal, not some cheap knockoff. The Harbaughs won’t even make you trek through the spooky tunnel if you’re nice and wearing Maize and Blue.
Michigan State: Wispa Gold Bar
Overrated and really expensive. And yes, you’ll have to pay. In installments. Over 10 years. Treats aren’t free in these parts. The per-unit price might stun you. Take our advice: Stop going to that house. Something macabre is going on there.
Minnesota: Jawbreaker
Hard as a rock and lasts a long time. Kinda plain as treats go, but you know what you’re getting and what to expect from it.
Nebraska: Blow Pop
It changes from one thing to another, but that doesn’t necessarily make it good. How do I get rid of this gummy mess now? I should have kept the old wrapper.
Northwestern: Almond Joy
I don’t like coconut! This isn’t good! Joy??? This product is mis-labeled! Can I spit it out? I hear it might be a favorite in Ireland, for some strange reason. But this isn’t Ireland.
Ohio State: Full-size Snickers
Those rich bastards flaunt their wealth on Halloween, just like any other day of the year. Ryan Day and the Buckeyes family, like comedian Bill Burr, know how to bring it: “Full-size Snickers. Bam. Who does that? Who does that? Nobody.” It’s a bit obnoxious, but the folks in the neighborhood aren’t complaining. They think it’s kind of funny.
Penn State: Caramel Creams
Something good going on at the edges, tasty. Soft in the middle — that part seems to fade before the rest of it. Not always sure I like them, but can’t seem to stop consuming them. Eat too much, and you’re sick to your stomach. Small doses, kids.
Purdue: Malted milk balls
This’ll pass. The runs aren’t so bad. Creamy and delicious, this treat is worth the trip up to the Ross-Ade house. And worth a bit of intestinal distress later on, because B1G West success is sweet while it lasts.
Rutgers: Recalled candy corn
Not only did I find this story on NJ.com of all places, but it says the product should be returned because it contains “undeclared eggs.” That’s about all the Schiano family has to give during Big Ten season. That’s no holiday, but they’re trying. They’re trying really hard, actually.
Wisconsin: Laffy Taffy
This seemed better and more fun when I was younger. And my jaw is sore for some reason. Don’t despair, maybe someone new will move in and give out something better next Halloween. For now, this stuff ain’t so bad.
Luke Glusco is a Penn State graduate and veteran journalist. He covers Penn State and occasionally writes about other Big Ten programs and topics. He also serves as the primary copy editor for Saturday Tradition.