“Petty, now,” is not a demand to sing the first two verses of “Mary Jane’s Last Dance,” but a call to action initiated by what Maryland’s social media department did to Penn State after Week 3’s win, or what Iowa’s did to Minnesota on Friday night. Just Monday-morning quarterbacking some salt right into the open wounds. The conference as a whole must have been fed up with all the compliments flung from College Park to Lincoln last week

So enough with the niceties and to hell with the better angels. Unlike the ex post facto kidding around in the previous two examples, we prefer to start with a dig. Let’s be upfront about this.

From one Week 5 opponent to another: You’re awful, and here’s why. (Thanks to Drew Magary for the inspiration.)

Purdue at Minnesota

Boilermakers to Golden Gophers: Why don’t you go ahead and build a 2019 style rec room in your football facility? Might as well live in the immediate past since you’ve already included Rashod Bateman as part of it. Take it from us, when you have a wide receiver who can run after the catch, you find ways to get him the ball that don’t involve dives head-first into the beef of your offensive line by an overworked running back. 

Gophers to Boilermakers: We aren’t going to toot your horn since only you and people so old they need their mashed potatoes pureed think trains are cool. These empty threats that Rondale Moore is going to play? What is this, an after-school special where the excitable kid waits for his dad to come back from running to the corner store and winds up spending 8 hours tossing a baseball up in the air?

Indiana at Ohio State

Hoosiers to Buckeyes: You only had Chase Young, Jeff Okudah and Damon Arnette on defense, all of whom were drafted in the first round last year, and you still couldn’t chase Pastor Dabo off our television a week earlier? And now you’re going to win the whole thing? 

Buckeyes to Hoosiers: Hi, welcome to relevance. There’s a spot at the table since Michigan and Penn State both left unexpectedly. Please cinch up your shoulder pads accordingly, adjust your thigh boards, and stay out of harm’s way until Saturday. We don’t want anyone to miss out on this week’s opportunity, that is unless your coach fractures a starter’s tibia because he’s overjoyed at the goal line defense during Wednesday’s practice and a genuine “well done young man” isn’t enough to express his appreciation.

Michigan State at Maryland 

Spartans to Terrapins: You still haven’t reimbursed us for the floor cleaner we bought to clean up the sweat puddle Gary Williams left on the Breslin Center court in 2010. Wait a minute, did you beat Texas 2 years in a row? Haven’t heard that since the first 3 minutes of every televised game you’ve played in since the middle of 2018. 

Terps to Spartans: Hey, we’re running a bake sale to benefit some of the less fortunate in our area, so in other words, Orioles fans. We’re asking all the teams in the conference to lend a hand. Well, except Nebraska. No one wants to eat cinnamon rolls and chili. Hoping you can handle the turnovers.

Illinois at Nebraska 

Illini to Cornhuskers: Any chance you can negotiate an exclusive rights deal with Peacock? They’re rebooting “Saved by the Bell” and have a thing for useless nostalgia. 

Huskers to Illini: Means a lot coming from a group that doesn’t let anyone forget Red Grange played football there. That’s like Lake Erie using, “Hey we’ve had water here since the beginning of time, join us,” as a slogan for their tourism board.

Iowa at Penn State

Hawkeyes to Nittany Lions: Any chance we’re going to need to find another place to play? Heard that even Beaver Stadium is considering opting out for the rest of the season. 

Lions to Hawkeyes: Surprised your posture is as good as it is. That ceiling of yours has got to play hell on your (quarter)back. Neato 4:3 interception to touchdown pass ratio! 

Wisconsin at Northwestern

Badgers to Wildcats: Hey brainiac, try to handle this word problem: If our quarterback is more talented than your quarterback and our wide receivers are faster than your defensive backs what is the likelihood of you scoring enough points to keep up with us? Public restrooms at municipal golf courses have more charm than Ryan Field. 

Wildcats to Badgers: Any truth to the rumor that you play “Jump Around” instead of the “Hokey Pokey” because all the directions about the right foot and the left foot were too complicated for your fans to follow? Glad you finally found the sort of variety in your offense that you lack in your team colors. Barbershop poles have more substance. 

Michigan at Rutgers

Wolverines to Scarlet Knights: One game of competence does not make a season. 

Knights to Wolverines: *Hands Michigan a printout of it 2020 statistics and box scores, then leaves.*